In reality, I pose this question less out of “what assets do I want out of the divorce”, than it is to have my clients consider “what is the feeling tone of the relationship you’d like to have with your former spouse at the end of the divorce?”.  Answering this question actually PRECEDES and influences other decisions like “Should I mediate, litigate, or go for a collaborative divorce?”, or “Shall I strive for what’s fair and lawful or squeeze every red cent out of this, AND send him the bill!”.  You see?  How you want to feel for years after the divorce is complete, is determined by your decisions when you’re in the thick of it.  The tough part about it is that when you are “in the thick of it” you are also on overdrive mentally, emotionally, and physically and can barely see past tomorrow.

When you begin with the end in mind, you form a clear picture of what you WANT (vs. DON’T want), and that’s extremely important for getting what you really want!  It gets you closer, and makes decisions much easier because then you have a clear outcome you are moving towards.  Every time a new decision comes up, you can calibrate it, “does this move me closer towards or further away from my ideal outcome?”

If you need help with this, you can always call on me and sign up for a complimentary strategy session.

This is where the crossroad lies. The choice we face is simple: do we continue down this path because it is familiar and comfortable, OR do we take the road less traveled, removing ourselves from an unhealthy environment so that we can live a happier life? Before you answer, let’s take a look at the process of moving on, which so often is filled with fear and holds us back.

Step 1: The realization.
Just the single realization that you need to make a change is a HUGE part of the process, and can provide some relief. You can’t change what you aren’t aware you need to change, right? So, once you can look at the situation objectively as a 3rd person, and say, “Hmm this is not a healthy situation,” you have already started to shift. The process is actually more mental than physical. Yes, we need to take action to make positive changes in our life, but the bigger hurdle is getting our mind to agree to stick to the plan. We must know, with certainty, that this is the right thing for us. Remember – the body is the servant of the mind, not the other way around. You can “do” all kinds of things, but the reality is, if your thoughts and your feelings are not 100% in alignment with what you are doing, you are going to end up right back in the same spot.

Step 2: Deciding what you DO want.
So you have decided that this is what you DON’T want. Now you have to decide what it is that you DO want. This sounds silly, but if you are going to remove something from your life, you MUST be clear about what you want to replace it with. This new void is going to get filled with something, much like a hole you dig in your backyard. In a short amount of time, nature will fill it back up. 9 times out of 10, if you don’t take the time to consciously choose what to replace it with, you risk end up with another relationship that doesn’t serve you any more than the first. This parallels the smoker that gives up smoking, but ends up overeating to compensate because they didn’t stop and make a conscious decision of what positive action they would take when the urge kicks up.

Take some alone time and really put some thought into this. Write a clear description. I have a journal and I write everything from my sleeping dreams to my intentions to brilliant words of wisdom that I come across. When you commit this stuff to paper, it gains a life of its own, and is actually the first step in the creation process. It becomes real and powerful. I tie this back to the whole idea of getting clear in your mind what it is that you want. When we write things down, and think through it, our mind registers it and understands, “Ok, this is not just a foggy wish anymore, this is a very clear picture and now I am more able to filter out the stuff that doesn’t align with this intention.”

Step 3: Remove yourself from the current situation.
This is the big gnarly monster that stands in the doorway between the life we want and the life we are currently living. How many times do we allow this fear of the unknown to keep us stuck in a mediocre life? We are afraid of what we would have face, change or possibly even fail at to get to where we want to be. It’s ok to be afraid and to feel fear. However, the difference between the people who are living a life of happiness and those that aren’t, is that the happy people step up, face the monster, feel the fear, and make a decision to pass through that doorway, no matter what! The reality is, all real change will bring up fear, doubt and anxiety; but, that is also where growth, success, and new results await us!

Happy people are the ones who know the secret: that whenever you want to change something for the better, you always have to go through something uncomfortable, but on the other side lies bliss. I don’t know about you, but I am willing to trade some discomfort for a life of bliss. And I have…still do, on many occasions.

I could list multiple examples from boyfriends and friends, to how I have felt about myself or my living environment, to the future of my career and my business. I have had to take this step with courage and wisdom when I knew my current circumstances were not in alignment with my vision, then I absolutely had to move on. I had to do what I knew was right for me and the attainment of my goals. Don’t expect other people to understand. They may not support you. In fact, even the most well meaning people could very well discourage you and attempt to squelch your hopes for a better life. Often times you will represent the courage they themselves do not have, so keep this in perspective. My certainty that the benefits of “moving on” were far greater and more powerful than the fear holding me back is what gave me the strength to charge forward!

How do I remove myself in order to move on?

[Jen, this is the area where I want to lean on you most… and will refer people to you if they have questions, because this is where I see this article going to another, DEEPER level.] surrender, responsibility, bless them/it, recognize the blessings and lessons it has imparted on your life and that you are now ready for greater blessings

Well, I think that the answer is fairly obvious, but one that we sometimes choose to block from our sight. We simply stop hanging around the people who are unhealthy for us. If it is our mate that is unhealthy for us, we sit down and have a serious, honest, discussion about our needs, values and goals. If their values and needs are not in alignment with yours, or if this has been an on-going issue, then it is time to tell them how you feel. This conversation is one that can be a challenge for sure. If it is a long-term relationship with living arrangements, children, finances, and so forth involved, then obviously it is more of a transition than a conversation. The crucial point is that you begin the process.

If the unhealthy relationship is with yourself, with food, with an addiction, then this step would involve removing the triggers from your environment. Begin a journal that documents how you feel and what is going on when an urge hits. Notice it and observe the emotion with a judgment free awareness. When you journal enough of these triggers, you will notice a pattern that will then empower you to find a more positive outlet. You’ll begin to have a heightened awareness of any emotions just as they begin to surface, and that is a defining moment! You now have the conscious decision to move forward in faith, or to step back into fear, doubt, anxiety.

This is not easy, but it IS attainable. I have found that surrendering is one of the most helpful and powerful gifts you can give to yourself. So you are frustrated because you just left a relationship and you still have feelings for him or her? Surrender to it! Who says you need to hate them just because you aren’t with them anymore? The temptation to dig in the freezer for some Haagen Dazs is overwhelming? Surrender to the feeling (without going near the freezer!). After all, it’s not who you are, it’s who you were. You are in the process of making new decisions and creating new results!

Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. It is the easiest and fastest ways to get the emotion to actually move through you and dissipate. After all, what you resist will persist. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable. Acknowledge the steps you are taking, after all, this is cause to celebrate. Your new life is rushing towards you at this very moment! Congratulations!

Step 4: Filling the void
So you have made it this far, you are clear on what you want, you are beginning to heal any wounds, and you are stepping forward in faith. Now what?

It’s time to start filling your life with new, healthy alternatives. Refer back to the description you wrote above of what it is that you do want. What steps can you take now to begin putting that in place? Are there certain places you can start going in order to meet other people who want this as well? Groups you can join? This step is all about filling your environment with things that will help to reinforce this new vision that you have for yourself. You must do the things that you would do if this vision were already your reality right now! Go to those places. Meet those people. Act in that way. Think in that way. You must not only reinforce in your mind that this is what you have chosen, but you also to keep the doors open to allow it to flow into your life.

Step 5: Taking some time to grieve
Ok, even if there IS cause to celebrate, it’s natural to feel a little sad when we make this kind of a BIG changes. Our mind tends to revert to the good times in our memory and want it back. We want to “fix” our own pain and discomfort. We start to rationalize (ration lies to the mind) that “oh, it wasn’t so bad…maybe I’m expecting too much…”. Sadness is a natural human emotion. We have it for a reason and we shouldn’t stifle it. As before, it’s important to feel it, so we can move through it. If we try to block it out, chances are it will return to wreck even more damage in later days and uglier ways. Choose a specific amount of time to just allow yourself to grieve. Burn through the emotions. Tune into them. This is a great time for some self-examination. What can you learn from this relationship, so that in the future, you make healthier choices? Let go of regret, guilt, shame. This is not a time to judge yourself. I learned a long time ago that every single experience in our lives is there to teach us something. So look at the situation objectively, from the 3rd person again, and write out five or ten reasons why this relationship has made you a stronger, better, and a savvier individual. What kind of lessons are you able to carry forward that you can actually thank the other person, or situation, for? Even in the most painful experiences, when we are willing, we can find blessings. This is why forgiveness is such a powerful practice. Once you can forgive yourself and release judgment, then you can find the beauty in the murk, so to speak. Then, and only then, can you face the situation and say “thank you “for-giving” me that experience”. That is true power!

Note: This step may not be applicable for every circumstance, but if you need to take time to heal, make sure to take that time.

Step 6: Be grateful
At this point, if you are truly following the steps listed above, you are going to be seeing a dramatic shift in not only how you feel, but also what you are experiencing in your life. Most likely, it is light years different and better. If not, then go back and review Steps 1-5 and ask yourself if you are REALLY giving this everything you’ve got.

Now is the time to reflect on your new experiences and to be grateful for them. If you want to make a list of all the things you are grateful for in your life now, all the better. The stronger the message you can send to your mind that you are loving this new life, the stronger you will make those connections, and the more you will attract exactly that into your life.

Now that you understand what is involved with moving on, you can make a conscious decision on what you do. Avoidance can work for a little while, but sooner or later, unhappiness hits us up side the head like a ton of bricks. This is your life and you are in charge. It’s time to start directing the show, isn’t it? As the song “If Today Were Your Last Day” says:

“Against the grain should be a way of life
What’s worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts cause there’s no second try
So live like you’re never living twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own life”
-Nickelback

Written by: Jennifer Horton and Shiela Viers

A study from the Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry holds some of the answers to these questions.  After following up with children of divorce 10 years after the experience, the study suggests there is a range of long-term, emotional after-effects.  The good news is that there are things parents can do to help their children avoid these long-term effects.

First, let’s look at some of the effects these children were left with in young adulthood:

Parent-child relationships and children of divorce
Ten years after divorce, the grown children of divorce continue to experience difficulties in relating to their parents.  As adults, these children report feeling less affection for their parents and having less contact with them.

Long-term effects of divorce on attitudes towards marriage
Over the long term, the children of divorce tend to become more morally conservative than their parents. They adopt more rigid, traditional views of how marriage and family should be.  However, they also have less trust in their future spouse than children from families untouched by divorce.

Grown children’s attitudes towards divorce
Children of divorce are more likely to experience a divorce themselves as adults.  In general, these children are more likely to see divorce as an acceptable way to solve marital difficulties.

Sexual behaviors among grown children of divorce
As well as developing more delinquent behaviors over the long term, children of divorce tend to become sexually active earlier than their peers.

Long-term efforts of divorce on future relationships
Divorce seems to set the stage for the development of poor relationship patterns over the long term, including fear of commitment, intimacy and failure.  Children of divorce are less able to develop and maintain supportive friendships and dating relationships in later life.

How parents can improve children’s long-term adjustment to divorce
Parents can minimize the effects of divorce on their children by maintaining good communication and loving behavior throughout the process.  Children are statistically more likely to be emotionally well adjusted over the long term if the post-divorce family arrangements are stable, organized and maintain rules and clear expectations

It’s also important for children to see one or both parents model a good, healthy, and positive adult relationship with their new partner after the divorce.  These post-divorce relationships, even though they exist outside the nuclear family unit, give children healthy role models to follow.

Mothers have a particularly important role to play in helping children adjust to a divorce.  Children are more likely to do well in the long term if their mothers maintain relationships of mutual respect and consideration with their children.  Interestingly, mothers who lead full and meaningful lives after divorce (such as pursuing interests and forming close relationships) are also more likely to have well-adjusted kids.

Grandparents have a role to play as well.  When they focus on their grandkids’ needs rather than getting caught up in “taking sides” during a divorce, this also contributes to better long-term outcomes for the children of divorce.

The effects of divorce can last a lifetime, shaping a child’s adult life in unpredictable ways.  But families that keep channels of communication open, set boundaries and model healthy, loving relationships after divorce help to set their children up for better emotional health in the future.

Simple elegance

1. Prepare – Anticipate what could be particularly upsetting to you and either create a mental game plan for how you will handle the situation, or avoid it if possible.  Allow yourself some flexibility to change how you spend the holidays.  Perhaps if this is your first holiday without your kids, you plan a get-away with a friend or by yourself for some quiet, solitude and rejuvenation.

2. Incorporate new traditions – This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to scrape the old and create everything anew.  You may want to take a night to involve the kids in brainstorming, engage your imaginations and crafts some new traditions or rituals for the whole family to look forward to.  This will add a new and exciting energy to the holidays that can help temper the feelings of loss or change.

3. Let go of unrealistic expectations – In fact, let go of expections, period.  Expectations place rules and hope on people and circumstances outside of your control.  When you are going through change and difficult times, it’s very healing to simply allow what is to be.  Norman Rockwell picture perfect holidays are largely based on a fantasy ideal.  Don’t set yourself up for more disappointment.  Holidays probably weren’t perfect before, so don’t allow guilt to put pressure on you to make it “perfect” now.  Live in the present moment, and notice that everything is good right now, even with all the imperfections.  Do your best, and let go of the rest.

4.  Gift your children with “no baggage” – This means letting go of your upsets, resentments, guilt, etc around your former spouse.  On your children’s turf, the two of you are equals.  Do not let the pain you might experience during the holidays, become an opportunity to turn the scale in your favor.  Resist urges to make snide comments, or divulge information that should really be kept among adults, and please, don’t attempt to outdo the other parent to win favor.  If you need support, get it.  It will be the best gift you can ever give to your children to be a neutral and loving parent, and to let the kids receive boundless love from both parents.

5.   Communicate on gift giving – To help neutralize attempts to one-up each other, commit this season to communicating with your former spouse.  Talk about how to divide your child’s gift list so your child has all the magic and you both feel a solid contribution.  Duplicating and one-uping the other parent’s gifts causes pain to the child who then has to choose whose gift to keep.  Children already have to divide their time between parents; don’t add to that by creating a situation where they have to choose who gave the better gift too.  If you need help communicating with your former spouse, seek a Non-Violent Communication class to help.

6.  Focus on the positive – The upside to change is that it’s new and fresh.  You have an opportunity before you to use your imagination to create something totally different, unique or even better than what it was.  You have a clean slate so have fun and celebrate the possibilities that lay ahead.  Your children have the good fortune of double the celebrations!  Remember that how you feel is an outcome of where your thoughts are focused.  When you focus on what is alive, abundant and wonderful, you feel alive, abundant and wonderful.

7. Prioritize self care – When you are taken care of, your whole world works better.  This is counter-intuitive especially for women who are so nurturing that tend to put everyone else’s needs first.  In the end, she is depleted and has little left to give either to other or herself.  The key is not to wait for the time, but to make the time.  View self care literally as an investment that will bring back a return to all areas of your life.  When you care for yourself with proper sleep, exercise, and a clean, healthy diet, you are also less likely to overeat, overspend or medicate your pain because self care helps to neutralize the emotional turmoil that causes those behaviors in the first place.  Get a massage, walk with a friend, shop for something special, have your hair done – you deserve it!

About a week later, I was working on a volunteer project with a girlfriend and she said “hey, there’s this movie I’ve been wanting to watch if you’re interested…it’s called ‘Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead’.

“You don’t say!  Fire it up!”

Over the course of 90 minutes, you hear of unhealthy eating, over-indulgence, debilitating disease taking root, depression, frustration, inverted values, and a pile of daily pills to compensate.  Disease, pills, medication side effects, depression, and a bowling ball (or many) of extra weight carried on your body are all EFFECTS.  The Law of Cause and Effect is one of the most powerful laws governing our lives.  It’s easy to deduce that the unhealthy eating and over-indulgence would then be the CAUSE right?  Wrong.

Unhealthy eating and over-indulgence are, themselves, effects that are rooted in another cause.  In fact, so many outward signs are just an outer effect of an inner suffering.  We starve our bodies, over-feed our bodies, under nourish our bodies, drug and abuse our bodies, immobilize our bodies and avoid our emotions by focusing on other people’s drama either in our lives or on TV.

You hear it everywhere in life, including the movie “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead”:

“I don’t have any will power.”

“I am weak”

“I am hooked on it…”

“After the second divorce, I started eating until I couldn’t eat no more”

“It’s too late for me…”

“I’ve always been this way…”

What we think is the problem (over-eating, lack of self control, addictions) is NOT the real problem.  It all stems from a core, deep, often unconscious, state of unhappiness.

Unhappiness sneaks in somewhere in our timeline, perhaps even early on.  Thinking that there is something we must “do”, or that something must be “lacking” in our life.  We erroneously succumb to believing that “when I find the ‘right’ person, then I’ll be happy”, “when I’m debt free, things will be better”, or “I’ll feel so much better once I shed 20 pounds”.  That’s like waiting for a ship to port when the cruise ship has been sitting in the harbor your whole life waiting for you to board.  There is no “out there” or future date when it comes to your happiness.  It’s right here.  Your time is now.

Happiness is available when you can eliminate your mind obsession with the past and the false fears and worries you’ve decided await you in the future.    I heard a great explanation by Eckart Tolle in A New Earth when he told the story of two monks.  The two monks were walking in silence and came to a river.  A woman was dressed in ornate silk robes and could not cross the river, so the elder monk took her on his back and carried her across.  Hours past and finally the younger monk asked “Why did you carry that woman across the river?  We monks are not supposed to do such things.”

The elder monk replied, “I put the woman down hours ago.  Are you still carrying her?”

This is exactly what our mind does with the past.  We attach to it, place meanings on it (that often don’t exist), and carry it with us…the weight adds up.  How much “extra weight” are you carrying around in your mind?  The only reason you are carrying the past around still is because you’ve become accustomed and made it a habit.  Your mind is habitually visiting, reliving and recreating the past – robbing you of the present moment.

The way out of the old, worn out habit is simple:  create a new habit.  A habit of being HERE & NOW.  Pay attention.  Use your awareness to notice how often your mind gets off course and travels to the past or runs ahead of yourself creating false images and fears about the future.  Practice presence.  In that space, your happiness is always available.  It’s always yours, when you remember and practice keeping your mind present.

At a basic level, emotions provide one of two functions:
1. It provides a pulse for our basic needs, indicating a need, loss or satiation
2. It provides the fuel to act

When we experience healthy shame, guilt or embarrassment we are feeling our own human limitations. Healthy shame would say “I made a mistake and I can repair it, or do something different”. Unhealthy shame would say “I am a mistake.” One is an experience; the other becomes a flawed identity.
The flawed “I am” identity has secrecy at its core, which is the root of human suffering. After all, it is hard to accept yourself and be transparent with others when you believe you are contemptible. When we are chronically rejected we begin to separate ourselves from the rest of humanity and cease to believe that we have the right to depend on anyone at all. Therefore, whenever we feel needy, we experience shame because of the self loathing that tells us we are unworthy of anything. We no longer feel shame as an experience; we are it, as an identity.

A shame-filled person will become “someone else” and create a new “mask” to then deny the self they feel is shameful. The innate challenge in this altered-self is that the shame itself is pushed away, masked, denied, and buried. We cannot heal what we cannot feel. With a false self, intimacy becomes impossible. Shame turns one into a human “doing”, constantly seeking happiness, good feelings and self validation on the outside. Pleasure, pride, a sense of value from within is unknowable to this masked alter-self.

What is the key to freeing yourself from the loathsome, shameful identity?
1. Create experiences where it is “ok to be me”, accepting all our flaws exactly as we are at this moment: imperfectly perfect.
2. Recognize your own value, with particular emphasis on the value of who you are vs. what you do. To distinguish yourself as different, unique and having something to contribute gives a sense that you matter to those around us.
3. When you begin to realize that you are valued, then you can access a sense of unique purpose to your life. To feel that “I am important as part of the fabric in the quilt of life” provides a sense of significance.
4. Identify your limitations. Without limits we impose super human expectations of our self that is unattainable. The greatest freedom is to have structures that guide us and allow us to course-correct along the way. Set boundaries, find positive models and define a direction for your life.
5. Allow yourself to fully drink in moments of being loved, accepted and valued by the people in your life that are safe and non-judgmental. Challenge yourself to be authentic and to hold yourself in positive high regard. Then when it comes back to you, take in all in, and know that you deserve it.

Part of the process of healing from deep seated shame is to become acutely aware of who you are surrounded with and how those people treat you. As you become kinder and more accepting of all aspects of yourself, you will find yourself “tolerating” less from those that would have you feel disgraceful and treat you poorly. This is cause for celebration! After all, feeling good about yourself is the shortest route to causing good in your life. Embrace it, seek it, and pursue all the good you deserve!

When I consider personal freedom, I think of Victor Frankl, the psychiatrist and author of “Man’s Search for Meaning” chronicling the horrors of concentration camp life where he was a prisoner.  In his book, Frankl explores the various ways in which a person either loses or finds a reason to live even in the worst, and most demoralizing of human circumstances.   He says, “Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Frankl also poignantly shares that there is a vast difference between freedom and liberty.  On the one hand, Frankl had a great deal of freedom.  He had a freedom that stretched beyond the confines of concentration camp conditions.  Like Frankl, any one of us has the freedom to choose our attitude about the circumstances we face.   Conversely, the guards that ran the camps and took so much from the prisoners, including lives, had a great deal of liberty, but very little freedom.  In other words, the SS took a great deal of liberty to follow orders as they were given and to behave brutally, but they exercised very little freedom to think for themselves, outside of their circumstances or authority and choose their own way.

This whole idea of freedom vs. liberty caused me to think about the liberties that so many couples take in handling their divorce.  In this blessed country we have the liberty to litigate.  Many take the liberty to extend the fight, bicker over every little minor possession, and run the other party into the ground financially.  Enter in, the “American way” – a right to fight, and a fight to be “right”, to seek retribution, and to feel powerful or in control again.  It’s an ego trip, and it’s short lived with a massive deficit at the end.  The bill to pay is the loss of assets, loss of true freedom, loss of a functional relationship with your former spouse, and loss of genuine happiness or peace.  Is this really the American way?  Ask the millions of divorce individuals who years, even decades after their divorce are still all bent out of shape over the circumstances of their divorce and will angrily relive the story years later.  Certainly, your attorney will tell you, it is your liberty to choose the manner in which you accomplish the means to the end of your marriage.

Our true freedom however, lies in our ability to choose independent of circumstances, including what another party is or is not doing, or the “liberty” an attorney might say you have.  Ironically, to choose your attitude NOT based on circumstances is also where your greatest power, control, happiness and peace reside because it is internal.  Circumstances are always external.  Sometimes, using our internal freedom of choice, discernment, and heart provides the greatest liberties.

To exercise your greatest degree of freedom is to make choices based on where you want to go vs. where you are.  If you know you are miserable right now, but you’d sincerely like to be happy in the very short future, then allow your decisions and choices to be made based on moving you closer to happiness.  When we make decisions based on the misery we currently feel, then we continuously act from that place, and create more of the same.  It becomes a vicious cycle.  While this may sound simple (and it is simple), I recognize it is not easy.  Ask for help with this.  There are so many professionals that want the best for your family, your future and your assets, not the least of which are mediators, therapists, coaches, and select attorneys.

Be bold and brave!  Choose to act now on a future that feels good, whole and rings with laughter again.  I guarantee you, it’s right within your reach.  This is your greatest freedom.  Happy 4^th of July!

1. Give yourself permission to just “be” and feel
In the earliest stages, you may be experiencing such a range and wide variety of emotions one moment, and feel paralyzed and unable to breath or feel anything the next. Accept this. It may feel unpredictable, chaotic and uncomfortable, and that’s ok. This is where you are. Before you can make any clear decisions, you need some space and time to sort through your emotions. When we are at the height of emotions, we can be in “fight or flight” mode, which isn’t necessarily the best for long term, important, thorough decision making. Giving yourself permission to ask for space and time is a gracious gift to yourself that will serve you in the long haul. Be firm, especially with your spouse, that time is space is what you need, expect and deserve right now.

2. Let go of expectations
Many women are very hard on themselves after an affair because they have unrealistic expectations about how they “should” feel, and how they “should” respond. As much as we like to think that we know how we would handle an affair, before we are “in it”, it’s just not real. Let go of the expectation of what “should be”, take a breath and practice accepting “what is”. There is no prep school for this life experience. Be gentle with yourself. Your range of emotions may go from shame, anger, guilt and even sympathy for your spouse. Everything you feel is valid, and ok. Take note and perhaps spend time journaling as you notice various emotions surfacing.

3. Seek selective support
Many friends and family members will be at the ready to rush to your side with advice and opinions out of loyalty to you. Almost always this is well intended and loving; however, it may not be what you need. Along the lines of tips #1 and #2 you need to be dealing more with how you feel, and less of others opinions and advice of what to do. Gently, yet firmly, let them know that you appreciate their love and support. If they are willing to uncritically listen as your sort through the emotional experience, welcome that, and if you have questions or need advice, you will explicitly ask for their thoughts. Therapists or coaches are great neutral third parties that are skilled at listening and helping you to uncover the layers of emotions so you can achieve clarity on your own.

4. Keep up your routine
All the things that you did before you became aware of the affair keep going with it. Get your hair done (get an extra conditioning treatment), continue to work out, schedule time for fun with friends, get outdoors and more. This isn’t about “faking” what is going on with you, it’s about taking the best care of yourself when you need it most. Many people excuse not keep the routines going because they “don’t feel like it”. Accept that you may not “feel like it”, but that your health and well being are a top priority, especially under stress. Its amazing how doing the routine, or getting a regular manicure, can promote a sense of well being. Try it!

5. Schedule time for humor
Laughter has a wonderful chemical effect on our bodies. Sometimes, it’s in our darkest hours that we need to be reminded that there is another side of the coin. There is a side of life that is light, funny, ridiculous and hysterical. You may not be there in your own life yet, but you can watch a movie and laugh at someone else! Laughter boosts the immune system, protects us from the harmful effects of stress, increases energy and diminishes pain.

With my clients who have sought divorce support after an affair, they have learned that you WILL laugh again. You WILL smile again. Yet, there is a process to getting there. You can’t rush it. Honor yourself and the space you need. Be choosey about how you spend your time and who you spend it with. Love yourself through the process and you will emerge hopeful again and beautifully equipped to handle the next phase of your life.

I heard a classic story about this from an estate attorney just days before the radio show.  One year for Christmas her kids had asked for scooters.  She mindfully told their Dad so that they wouldn’t duplicate gifts.  Yet, come Christmas morning the kids opened regular ol’ scooters from Mom, and electric powered ones from Dad.  The would-be excitement for Mom of having worked so hard to deliver her children’s precise wishes on Christmas day was instantly extinguished by the “one-up” play by Dad.

It was painstakingly evident in just the 10 minute ride to the elementary school and back that this issue is about as wide spread as sunburns in summer.  The DJ must have had his switchboard lit up like a Christmas tree as one Mom after another called it to lament her “story” about her “jerk”.  One woman even audaciously, yet shamelessly, said “call Child Support Services so he has no money left to do it!”

Really?!?!

Here’s the deal Moms (and Dads), if you are ever going to heal, be truly happy, move forward, and put your kids needs above all else, then you need to STOP THE INSANITY!  Consider the following:

1)     Never let your resentment for your ex outweigh your love for your children

Who do you have the issue with?  When you were married did you care how much was spent on fun times for your kids, or was that your pleasure to indulge them together?  I am guessing the latter.  Now that you are divorced, if one parent still has the means to treat the kids, be grateful that those finances are still available to bless your kids childhood.  One only needs to visit a 3^rd world country, social services, or the foster care system to feel extremely blessed for the lives most of us lead.  Be happy for your kids.  If they would have had the Xbox, and the Legoland trip when you were married, why should it be any different when their parents divorce?  Remember, it is you and your former spouse who divorced, not your kids.

2)     “But he’s trying to buy my kids love and affection!”  This may or may not be true.  If it’s genuinely true, it will be short lived.  When the kids are young, the gift purchases may temporarily create “googly eyes” and swoon their favor.  However, if you are the parent with “less”, please remember, the quality of your relationship with your children FAR outweighs the quantity of treats and trips that can be bought.  Solid parenting still has roots in structure, routine, boundaries, connection and communication just as it did when you were married.  For some reason, parents become stricken with fear once they divorce thinking that the rules have somehow changed to a competition.  Parenting hasn’t changed.  Just check the parenting section at any bookstore and find any resource that advocate “buying a bunch of stuff” as an effective technique for building an effective and lasting relationship with your children.  I assure you, it doesn’t exist.

3)     “But he did it just to take a cheap shot at me!”  Again this may or may not be true.  However, it’s not our job here to discern the other persons intentions.  What IS relevant is how you feel about it.  None of us has any control over what another person does.  We can only decide how we want to respond.  This is where strong, loving parenting and role-modeling begins.  So he/she took a cheap shot, what now?  Will you have a fit of jealousy, resentment, and insecurity?  Here’s a bit of an insight:  jealousy is a result of believing someone else has something that you can NOT have yourself.  Think about it this way, if your ex takes the kids to Disneyworld and you take them to Hawaii…would you still be jealous?  If you consider the two trips to be relatively equal, then it probably would not be an issue.

I recommend a strategy that I advise entrepreneurs OFTEN because it can be a deadly mistake in business.  That critical strategy is to shift from Competition to Creation.  When you ‘compete’ you limit yourself to do nothing better than the other persons best effort.  However, when you ‘create’, all doors of possibility blow open wide because NO ONE can ever duplicate YOU and your relationship with your children.

4)     Shift your focus.  We all have a choice of where we place our attention.  As much as we like to think that we can multi-task and still be effective, it’s not entirely true.  We all lose efficacy when multi-tasking and it’s next to impossible to be able to concentrate on two things at once and yield the same results.  It’s the same with our mindset.  We each have only 100% of energy at any given time.  What would become possible if we each shifted from what “he” or “she” is doing (that irrates us and expends our emotional and mental energies) and focused instead on our personal goals and intentions?  After all, the former we have very little power to change, but the later we have all the power to change.  Which is worthy of your precious energy?  If it’s a better financial future you have in mind, what steps are you taking to ensure you and your family achieve that goal?   Shift your focus and place your energy back on your life, your future, your relationship with your kids, your happiness, and your goals.  After all, you cannot get mad enough at another person to make positive change in your life.

This is a loaded topic and there is so much more to say.  I would love to hear from you and have you share your idea and experiences.  If you’d like to take this information to a new level in your life, please fill out our online form for a complimentary session and we’ll get you started!

1. Attitude produces results – No matter how you became a single parent, let’s begin by agreeing to let go of any negative stereotypes about single parenting (“broken home”) and start fresh, for it is equally true that single parent raise great, well adjusted kids.  YOU can raise happy, confident, successful children.  Remember, “attitude is everything” and your attitude towards single parenting will also influence your effectiveness.

Your kids are watching, hearing and mimicking your beliefs, values and expectations about your current life and your future.  We’ll call the composite of your beliefs, values and expectations, your attitude.  From a very young age, your children are unconsciously learning your attitude.  Is your attitude one that is worthy of learning?  Become aware of how you model your attitude in overt and subtle ways.  Are you expecting your children to be troubled because you are a single parent?  I promise you, if you do, that expectation is coming out and your child is aware of it.

The great news is that as you identify the parts of your attitude that don’t serve you, you can re-evaulate and change them.  Choose a new path.  The future is still unpaved.

2. Be present with your kids – If coupled parents experience overwhelm, this can easily become a repetitive state for single parents.  Sadly, not much is accomplished in overwhelm except high emotions and anxiety for all.  This principle of parenting works just as much individually as it does with your child.

How does this relate to single parenting?  Being present with your kids is crucial.  Not only do your children most likely have limited time with you (after visiting another parent, school time, friends and activities, etc) but it’s our job to make those moments as enriching and deeply connective as we can.  Focus on quality not quantity.  You can make more impact in 5 minutes spent totally focused, present, and interested in your child than you can in two hours of being in the same room.

When you notice your child is “off” emotionally, experiencing overwhelm him/herself, or acting out, chances are your child would benefit greatly  by having a heartfelt connection with you and being reminded that they are loved, safe, secure and cherished.  Snuggle up and read a book, get down on the ground look him / her in the eyes and say, “You are so loved.  Can I give you a hug?”, draw a picture together, play legos or just be silly.  Be curious about what is important to your child for a while…be inquisitive like they are the most fascinating person alive.  For older kids, compliment them on a positive trait or accomplishment, use their language (without trying to be too cool), listen actively and instead of asking them about their day ask about a topic they’ve recently brought up of importance or interest to them.

Practice placing 100% of your energy on your child, even for 5 minutes and watch how they will open up, their energy will shift and relax, you will feel closer, and they will feel genuinely loved (a feeling they will carry with them forever).

3. N.O is O.K

Permissiveness can sometimes be a single parents trap.  Guilt or competition drives you to be the “friendly” parent and say ‘yes’  as much as you can.  First of all parents, guilt is an emotion of the past…work on you , instead of having it rear its head in raising your children.  Second, if you get sucked into to the “competitive” mode with a former spouse then you can only be as good as their best efforts.  Read that again.  Surely, you are good enough to get better.  Be creative and you’ll never ever have to compete.

Your children need to you have clear, concise boundaries.  Your job is to enforce those boundaries in a loving way, it’s your children’s job to test the boundaries.  Testing boundaries is both natural and developmental.  It’s not personal.  Why?  Because every time you enforce a specific boundary you are sending a message to your children about your values, your level of confidence as a single parent, and the basic rules of life according to you.  In return your children learn to respect your boundaries, they will most likely share similar values to you, and they’ll feel more secure and stable.

By contrast, when the rules keep changing and no boundaries are upheld, the child feels a high level of uncertainty in their life.  From one day to the next, they are not sure if they are walking on egg shells or solid ground.  Children benefit greatly from simply knowing what to expect next whether that is a scheduled routine or the consequences that happen when rules are broken.

To make the most of this, of course, you must first be clear on what your boundaries are.  When do you say “no” vs “yes”?  That’s up to you, so get clear now before it is tested.

Remember, as a parent your role is to teach your children and saying “no” can be a valuable part of that equation.  They don’t have to agree with you, however, you can use them as teachable moments.  Let the “no” moments open up communication and allow your children to get to know who you are, what you value and why.

4. A little play goes a long way

When was the last time you were silly?  What about all out goofy?  Does it require a trip to Disneyland to get you to laugh and play?  Especially as single parents, we have less time with our kids to make a significant bond.  Laughter and play can be a powerful part of your daily routine.  Our kids are surrounded by adults AND other kids that are overly serious and stressed out about life…and guess what?  Our kids are both learning passively from their environment, and learning actively from us, their parents, when we make a conscious choice.

Where are your children learning that life is to be enjoyed?  Our troubles never cease, and yet, neither should our happiness.  It is a choice we make in spite of our circumstances.

One of the best habits I’ve practiced with my kids is when I notice I am getting too stressed, I get silly instead.  I’ll put on a song and dance wildly, or make funny faces, or I’ll crack myself up with a funny home video.  In a split second the whole energy in the house shifts (because I shifted) and my kids are watching and learning from me.  It’s not that my problems have gone away, but sometimes, a hearty giggle lessens the weight of life’s’ challenges.

5. Say what you mean, and mean what you say

I’ve witnessed far too many parents desperate to find some sort of means to motivate, force, coerce their child to behave in a certain way, make bribes or hedge their bets on their kids and lose!  Not only do the parents lose long-term (they may receive a short term gain), but so do the children.  The parents lose because they have handed over the ultimate control to the child.  In effect a bribe says “I don’t know how to get you to do what I need you to do, so I’ll pacify the situation until I do.”  The child loses because they have not been held accountable for their actions, and they haven’t learned natural logical consequences, nor to do the right thing because it is the right thing to do.  Intrinsic motivation (motivation coming from within, vs. externally as in a bribe) is lost.

What usually precedes this whole bribery and hedging bets on youngsters are several ploys at other motivations that didn’t work.  You may recognize these, “you shape up right now, or we will leave this restaurant immediately!”, “apologize or you won’t go to the movies”, “if you come right now, I’ll get you a treat”.  There is nothing wrong with these statements…when they work.  And they ONLY work when there is follow through.

The benefit to your children when you stick to YOUR word is that they develop trust in you, in the surroundings and their life.  There is great security and safety in that.  They also learn that if your word is law then so should theirs be, and they will grow to respect that.  These are long term relationship builders that will define the quality of your children’s relationship with you now, and with other people throughout their lives.

Only say what you can live with and stand by.

6. Create rituals and traditions

For many of us, if we think back across our lives, the clearest memories may be those that were repeated.  We innately love tradition.  It soothes us, comforts us, and is most easily stirred up in our recollection.  We also have an emotional recollection associated with those memories and traditions.  This is great for single parents to take advantage of this since we have less time with our kids.  By incorporating daily rituals and annual traditions you can make a great positive impact on your children.

I believe there are 3 critical moments each day that every single parent can try to leverage most with their children.  Those times are when the kids wake up, when you first seem them again after school, and when they go to bed at night.

I know one mom who would sing her children awake every single morning with the same “happy song” and the grown children today still ask her to sing it.  I tell my kids every morning as they exit the car for school “you are great…” and they finish “beyond measure!” because for a long time I would tell them “you are great beyond measure” every single morning.

Rituals and traditions create an emotional bond between the two of you.  Your child will expect and be comforted by the fact that you ritualistically endorse their greatness every morning.  Even when they are physically rolling their eyes at you, they are thinking those words in their own mind!  Powerful impact doesn’t always come in ways you can see.

7. Be ok with “good enough”

Some time “ago, after years of seeking “the right answers” to parenting, I adopted a philosophy that has served me well and prompted a multitude of teachable moments for my children.  The philosophy is that “we are all doing our best, even when it appears we are not”.  This alone could be discussed in an entire book; however, suffice it to say that even in my worse moments, I am doing my best as a single parent in that moment.  Any other moment could be a different outcome that I might wish for myself;  however, in this moment, right now, I am doing the best I can, even if it doesn’t appear so to you or my children.

This has helped me create a space of forgiveness and compassion for not only my children, but also myself.  Sure, I can be hard on myself when lose it with my kids, and then regret it.  I know I am capable of better. How I react to my own mistake, however, is what I teach my children.  Am I teaching them to recognize the error, apologize, decide what to change in the future and forgive myself or do I beat myself up, never humble myself to my children, and secretly admonish my own worthiness of being a parent?  What I choose for myself, is what my children will choose for themselves.

I have learned to accept that I am not perfect all the time.  Therefore, I am ok with being a “good enough” single parent.  I would rather be at peace with being a “good enough” mom, then forever beating myself up chasing an ideal I will surely never attain.  Being “good enough” in no way means that I stop learning, growing and seeking solutions to my parenting challenges.  It simply means, “this is where I am at in my life and my growth, and where I am is perfectly imperfect, for no other outcome is possible right now”.  It is an acceptance of “what is” and a letting of “what is not”.